So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
