I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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