Tell her she can't have a vagina
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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