Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
