rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
