Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
