I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
