You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
