Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
