3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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