i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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