I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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