Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
