I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
