Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
