Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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