end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
