guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
love makes seman taste better
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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