"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
What a dumb baby whore.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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