I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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