4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
