A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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