Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
