She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize