ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
