guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
