I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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