I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
