Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
