I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
