During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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