Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
