I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
i need some magic done to my vagina
Randomize
