Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i wish my penis had a tongue
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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