my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
