the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
