I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
