The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I could make wine with my vomit
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
