Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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