I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize