this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
