Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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