im about as happy as oj after his trial
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
