Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
