I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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