i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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