i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize