What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Enjoy the penises
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
