P.S. I can't hear my feet
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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