How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
