Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
