Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
