He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize