his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize