Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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