don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
