I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
