sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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